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| YOU'RE AN AVID FLIGHT SIMMER IF:
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- You get on a commercial airliner and ask the crew where the joysticks are.
- You buy airline tickets for a transcontinental flight and expect to be home by bedtime.
- You ask an airline whether it uses FS2004 or X-Plane.
- You ask a fixed base operator what sceneries it has.
- You're on your way to the Caribbean while your family thinks you're defragging the computer.
- You go to the emergency room to have the joystick removed from your fingers.
- You ask air traffic control where to download their scripts.
- You ask the fixed base operator if it has a book containing all the navaids around the world.
- You use a GPS device to find your way around Chicago O'Hare's passenger terminal.
- You ask the fixed base operator if it has a book containing all the instrument approach plates for North America and Europe.
- You ask an airplane dealer where to download custom instrument panels.
- You tell a certified flight instructor that you could fly his airplane if it had a keyboard.
- You offer an airline pilot your favorite engine-sound *.wav.
- You ask American Airlines to remove their logos from their airplanes.
- You ask a CFI how to get a screen shot.
- You ask an airline if it's FS98 compatible.
- You ask a travel agent if you can get flight-sim add-ons with your frequent flyer points.
- You ask a CFI how to get an exterior view.
- You think real airlines are modeled on virtual airlines.
- You ask a flight attendant how to change the views out your window.
- You tell the airline to increase their frame-refresh rate when they're behind schedule.
- You speak in acronyms: YMB an AFS if YCRT (You Might Be an Avid Flight Simmer if You Can Read This).
You know you're a flight simmer if: You drive your flight instructor crazy by continually misstating your callsign as Cessna Zero Zero Mike Sierra. — Submitted by Patrick Underwood, Colorado, USA
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| MURPHY'S LAW OF FLIGHT SIMMING
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| (if it can go wrong, it will)
No matter how much memory your computer has, it won't be enough for the latest flight-sim versions.
Your motherboard's memory chip capacity will be full when you need to upgrade for the latest flight-sim versions.
The aircraft you download from the internet will crash — your computer, that is.
If a navaid frequency in your flight-sim game is erroneous, it will be a navaid that you need to use.
The flight-sim manufacturer's patch will take all day to download but will not improve performance.
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| SHORT JOKES
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Have you heard about the football fan who
went to an
air show and tried to sit at the 50-year line?
— Submitted by A.E. Newman, West Palm
Beach, Florida,
USA
Did you know that an engine is only used
to keep the pilot
cool?
If you don't believe it, watch the pilot
sweat when one
goes out!
— submitted by "Jim" Columbiana, Ohio,
USA
Q: How many flight simmers are needed to
change a light
bulb?
A: One to change the bulb and 99 to paint
photo-realistic
scenery on it.
Q: How many flight simmers are needed to
change a flat
tire?
A: One to change the tire, and 99 to gripe
about it in
the newsgroups.
A flight simmer went to the doctor,
showed the doctor
his crimped hand and said, "Doctor, my hand is crimped, and I can't
move
my fingers." The doctor examined it and said, "Let's see what happens
after
we remove this joystick."
How about the flight simmer who was
flying with the cabin
lights turned off
and got up to go to the bathroom and then
realized he
had walked into the
closet. — Submitted by "John" of
Reisterstown, Maryland,
USA.
A young pilot, who just got his private
pilot license,
was making approach to airfield at nighttime. He was very proud of his
license and he switched off the navigation lights and asked the tower:
"Guess who?" Tower switched off the runway lights and asked: "Guess
where?" —
Submitted by Andres Berens of Tallinn, Estonia.
Q: How can you tell if it's an FS98 fan
that's survived
a real plane crash?
A: He's looking for the CTRL/; keys to
reset the flight.
— Submitted by Chris Prickett of London,
England
A flight simmer is coming out of his
plane as he is greeted
by one of his
passengers. The flight simmer greets
him a good
day as the passenger walks
aboard. The passenger asks the flight
simmer why
he isn't on the plane. The
flight simmer said: "I can't seem to find
the joystick!"
— Submitted by "11001001" in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Some experienced pilots flight-sim
pilots were training
a rookie pilot. They were heading 312 degrees at 16,000 feet heading
towards
a couple of B-17's. After a minute, Coolhand shouted: "Speed 312,
heading
312, Target 12 o'clock low." The rookie replied: "O crap! Midnight? My
mother is going to kill me. Bye guys!" — Submitted by
"Tatsit_JG45"
of WVC, Utah, USA.
Did you hear about the terrorist who
failed the pilot's
medical exam?
He had "explosive personality disorder."
— Submitted by A.E. Newman, West Palm Beach, Florida,
USA
Did you hear about the terrorists who went to an air show?
They demanded a refund because nobody flew into the crowd.
— Submitted by Harvey Slarsky, West Palm Beach, Florida,
USA
Did you hear about the terrorists who jumped out of a high-altitude jetliner?
When they found it wouldn't crash, they bailed out.
— Submitted by Harvey Slarsky, West Palm Beach, Florida,
USA
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| FUNNY STORIES
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Clear Instructions
Did you hear about the WW 2 flight instructor who gave his life for his country trying to train young cadets faster than they could possibly learn?
Yep. Died a horrible death. It seems that one student would never land the PT-17 used at the cadet's base. He was good enough, but lacked confidence. On short final he would always shout through the intercom, "I can't do it! You take it, Sir!! Well, the instructor thought about it for a long time and decided on a plan.
One morning he said "Son, today I will fly the first circuit. I want you to follow me through on the controls AND FOLLOW EVERYTHING
THAT I DO."
The instructor flew a perfect pattern and made the prettiest three pointer you could ever hope for. Then he said "Son,
you CAN do it. If you do it all the same, you will pass and become an ace for sure. However if you screw up this time, its back to the trenches for you!"
The student was impressed. He made a perfect takeoff, pattern and approach. On short final the instructor had figured out
a perfect way to MAKE the student take the landing. The instructor reached down and pulled the safety pin out of the front cockpit
control stick, pulled the stick from it's socket, and chucked the stick overboard. Now the student would HAVE to make the landing.
The student, ever mindful of the instructor's firm instructions, reached down and pulled the safety pin from the back cockpit control
stick, and chucked it overboard........
— Submitted by John Spangler of Rapid City, South Dakota, USA
Landings
After a particularly rough landing by a 747, the captain stood by the exit door as the passengers disembarked. As each one passed, he thanked them for flying with the airline, and bade them good-day. The last person off the plane was a little old lady, to whom the captain said: "Thank you for flying with us - I hope the landing wasn't too rough!"
The old lady looked him in the eyes and replied: "That was a 'landing'? Sonny, I thought we'd been shot down!"
— Submitted by Chris Prickett of London, England
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Runway Lengths
Immediately upon touching down at an
unfamiliar airport,
a flight simmer applied full thrust reverse, full speed brakes and full
wheel brakes, coming to a stop just at the end of the runway. "Wow," he
exclaimed," that was the shortest runway I ever landed on." When he
looked
left then right, he further remarked, "This is also the widest runway I
ever landed on -- it's about two miles wide!"
— Adapted from an old
US Air Force joke
about US Navy pilots, and vice versa.
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Knowledge and Foolery
A flight simmer is seen by another
flight simmer walking
out of a library holding a book.
The second flight simmer asks him, "What's
that book
your reading?"
He replies, "It's about logic and
ILS."
The second flight simmer responds, "What's
that?"
"Well, do you know your local ILS
frequency?"
"Yeah."
"So that means you intercept the
glideslope."
"Yeah."
"Which means you make a landing aproach,
and that itself
means you lower the gear and land."
"Yeah."
"And that means you're intelligent enough
to do an ILS
landing."
The second flight simmer replies
astonished, "Wow, I
gotta get that book."
The next day, the second flight simmer goes
to his library
and rents the same book on ILS and logic. On exit, he is greeted by a
third
flight simmer who then asks him, "What's that book?"
He replies, "It's about logic and
ILS."
"What's that?" the third simmer asks
him.
"Well", he says, "Do you know your local
ILS frequency?".
He responds, "No."
"Then you're a total fool in everything
about ILS!"
— Submitted by Peter Dasso
of El Paso, Texas,
USA.
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| FLIGHT-SIM REDUNDANCIES
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A redundancy is a needless repetition of words. Some are so common we don't realize they are redundant.
Estimated ETA. ETA means "estimated time of arrival," so "estimated ETA" literally means "estimated estimated time of arrival."
IMC conditions. IMC means "instrument meteorological conditions." These conditions determine whether a pilot can fly visually or must fly on instruments. "IMC conditions" literally means "instrument meteorological conditions conditions." (Seen in Pilot Magazine, April 1998.)
GPS system. GPS stands for "global positioning system," so "GPS system" literally means "global positioning system system."
MFD display. MFD stands for "multi-function display," so "MFD display" literally means "multi-function display display."
SAM missile. SAM stands for "surface to air missile." Therefore, "SAM missile" literally means "surface to air missile." This redundancy should be shot down. Heard on cable TV news channel during October 2001.
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| NOTES
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| Unless otherwise noted, all jokes were written by Bill Stack, author of several popular flight-sim books, a fun-loving flight simmer, and a real nice guy.
No offense is meant by any of these harmless jokes, and no person is the model for any of them. We regret that anybody might be offended. (Chill out. Lighten up.)
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